Pandora's Box

In the late 1940's, Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his associates developed the Kinsey scale. This was the first time anyone argued that there is not a simple black-and-white dichotomy between gay and straight. The scale is on a six-point system as follows:

0 - exclusively heterosexual

1 - predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homoexual

2 - predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual

3 - equally heterosexual and homosexual

4 - predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual

5 - predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual

6 - exclusively homosexual

While I find this scale useful, I would argue that sexuality is even more fluid than that. For me, personally, my sexuality has moved up and down this scale at various points in my life.

Before adolescence, I had my first several serious crushes on girls. Perhaps I was close to a 6. I was crushed out on a doll-like beauty in my fourth grade class. Then I was crushed out on the rebel girl in my fifth grade class. And I was crushed out on one of the soccer players on an opposing team in the sixth grade.

Then as I hit adolescence, I was more of a 1. I was intensely crushed out on Steve of Opening Pandora's Box in the eighth grade.

By ninth grade, I was heading back up towards a 3. Although I was involved with Brian, I was having frequent fantasies of a girl in one of my classes. At that time, I'd read that Marilyn Monroe had had a lesbian affair with her acting coach and suddenly I thought that liking girls must be okay.

In the tenth grade, I continued to see Brian and was involved in a series of very unsatisfying relationships with "boyfriends."

In the eleventh grade, I had my first girlfriend. During the two years of that relationship, I decided that I wasn't homosexual nor heterosexual, I was just sexual. I refused to pin myself down to a point on the Kinsey scale, finding the whole thing irrelevant.

When that girlfriend and I broke up, I was devastated. This was the time of the Alex incident. I decided women were too heart-breaking, so I made a deliberate decision to date men.

This was the summer after I graduated from high school. And this was perhaps the only time I fell seriously in love with a man. We had incredible sex as well as a very deep emotional connection. However, I'd say I was pretty firmly a 3 at this time. As we both got ready to leave for college, we started to become more emotionally distant and I suggested we start seeing other people. I dated both men and women casually, but ended up leaving this beloved man for a woman.

In college, I quickly decided to label myself a lesbian for political reasons. I was attending a very pro-feminist college and figured outing myself would increase my chances of finding a girlfriend. However, in the two years that I dated this woman, I think I had an equal number of affairs with men as I had with women. I changed my self-identity to being a "lesbian who sleeps with men." Again, putting me around a 3 or a 4. After our two year relationship ended, I had two male boyfriends/lovers - well, one was a transvestite, and two more girlfriends/lovers, before getting seriously involved with my current partner.

After college, however, my present partner and I broke up for a few years while she finished college and I got my career off the ground. During that time, I only dated women. I was very rarely attracted to men. And even when I was, I was not interested in pursuing anything with them. I'd say I was a full 6 from 1993 to 2003. (Shit! I'm giving away my age here, huh?). ;-)

Then in 2003, the boyfriend from 3 paragraphs ago (summer after high school) reappeared in my life - on-line.

Do you all really care about all this? LOL.

Anyway, I still love that man and probably always will. This realization forced me to come to terms with the fact that despite the last ten years of being with women exclusively, I am not so firmly a six on that scale as I'd come to think of myself. At least not now, in 2005.

I still love C more than anyone or anything else in the world. And I feel incredibly blessed that she agreed to commit to spending a life with me on September 6 of 1997. And even more blessed that she loves me for who I am - whether at that moment I'm a 6 or a 3. :-) And we still have the best sex of my life. ;-)

So that was a long, long answer to a number of questions that showed up in the comments section of my last post.

So... Am I confused? Yes, still at times. It would be much easier to be a six or a zero. (I didn't make up those numbers, Kinsey did, so don't blame me for straight equalling zero). :-)

Is confusion the only reason I've been interested in men in my life? Obviously not.

Does my fluid sexuality make friendships complicated at times? Hell, yes.

Do I still get crushes on both men and women? Undoubtedly yes.

Thanks again for all the stimulating questions in response to that last post. And now for you:

Where do you think you are on the Kinsey scale and do you think that has ever changed during the course of your life? Hey, maybe I should do a new survey in my sidebar on this. ;-)