Thursday, May 05, 2005
Opening Pandora’s Box #1
Like most girls transitioning into adolescence, I moved awkwardly in the new angles of my growing limbs. Even as I wavered between embarrassment and pride at the site of my budding breasts, discomfort in my body dominated my interactions with the world.
The awkwardness of the ages 11 and 12 had begun smoothing out just in time for the first day of the 8th grade. By thirteen I’d started wearing contact lenses and was beginning to feel a little less insecure about my appearance.
A new girl, named Tammy, had transferred into my Catholic school. Tammy cried that first day, scared and lonely because she didn’t know anyone yet. I laughed inside at her apparent weakness, remembering how brave I had been my first day at St. Matthew’s, just two years before. It had been a rough two years and my adolescent insecure self was glad Tammy would be filling in for the role of the “new girl.”
That day in class, Mrs. Anderson, my favorite teacher, assigned Tammy a seat next to mine. Mrs. Anderson then asked if I would be willing to show Tammy around. I remembered being asked to do the same in the first grade for the girl who would eventually become my childhood best friend. I wondered what it was about me that made teachers choose me as the person to show new students around. I was flattered to be asked, regardless of their intentions, and very willingly filled Tammy in on our school.
Tammy and I started hanging out after school. I went to her house to do homework. She lived with her Mom and her Grandmother about a 15-minute walk from my house. Tammy was cool; she played Prince songs for me that I’d never heard before. She played songs that were blatantly about sex. The heavy breathing as a woman tried to count the ABC’s through gasps in the background of one of those songs was exciting and seemed so forbidden.
Saint Matthew’s held a lock-in for the eighth graders one weekend. Before being ‘locked-in’, we all went to McDonald’s. While in line ordering food, the most beautiful boy walked up to Tammy and started talking to her. I didn’t recognize the sensation of my pulse quickening and my palms breaking out into a light and sticky sweat, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. We never made eye contact, but watching the smile and spirit in his eyes stirred something foreign in me. Something unknown and new.
I immediately ran up to Tammy, as soon as he stepped away.
“Who was that?” I asked with baited breath.
“That was Steve,” she responded. “Why?”
“He is so beautiful. He has got the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen.” His eyes were pale, bright blue with thick dark lashes all around them. His hair was dark, and his skin was pale, which made his eyes stand out even more.
I spent that whole evening asking Tammy questions about Steve. What’s he like? How old is he? Finally, it came out that he was her ex-boyfriend. This made me all the more intrigued. She knew intimate details about this incredibly beautiful boy. I drove Tammy a little mad with my obsessing. In retrospect, it was not very sensitive, considering their past relationship. But I was young and naive and didn’t understand these unspoken social rules yet.
(to be continued)
The awkwardness of the ages 11 and 12 had begun smoothing out just in time for the first day of the 8th grade. By thirteen I’d started wearing contact lenses and was beginning to feel a little less insecure about my appearance.
A new girl, named Tammy, had transferred into my Catholic school. Tammy cried that first day, scared and lonely because she didn’t know anyone yet. I laughed inside at her apparent weakness, remembering how brave I had been my first day at St. Matthew’s, just two years before. It had been a rough two years and my adolescent insecure self was glad Tammy would be filling in for the role of the “new girl.”
That day in class, Mrs. Anderson, my favorite teacher, assigned Tammy a seat next to mine. Mrs. Anderson then asked if I would be willing to show Tammy around. I remembered being asked to do the same in the first grade for the girl who would eventually become my childhood best friend. I wondered what it was about me that made teachers choose me as the person to show new students around. I was flattered to be asked, regardless of their intentions, and very willingly filled Tammy in on our school.
Tammy and I started hanging out after school. I went to her house to do homework. She lived with her Mom and her Grandmother about a 15-minute walk from my house. Tammy was cool; she played Prince songs for me that I’d never heard before. She played songs that were blatantly about sex. The heavy breathing as a woman tried to count the ABC’s through gasps in the background of one of those songs was exciting and seemed so forbidden.
Saint Matthew’s held a lock-in for the eighth graders one weekend. Before being ‘locked-in’, we all went to McDonald’s. While in line ordering food, the most beautiful boy walked up to Tammy and started talking to her. I didn’t recognize the sensation of my pulse quickening and my palms breaking out into a light and sticky sweat, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. We never made eye contact, but watching the smile and spirit in his eyes stirred something foreign in me. Something unknown and new.
I immediately ran up to Tammy, as soon as he stepped away.
“Who was that?” I asked with baited breath.
“That was Steve,” she responded. “Why?”
“He is so beautiful. He has got the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen.” His eyes were pale, bright blue with thick dark lashes all around them. His hair was dark, and his skin was pale, which made his eyes stand out even more.
I spent that whole evening asking Tammy questions about Steve. What’s he like? How old is he? Finally, it came out that he was her ex-boyfriend. This made me all the more intrigued. She knew intimate details about this incredibly beautiful boy. I drove Tammy a little mad with my obsessing. In retrospect, it was not very sensitive, considering their past relationship. But I was young and naive and didn’t understand these unspoken social rules yet.
(to be continued)
Comments:
hi...thanks for coming by...
so i never quite got past the scene with the dead guy in Liquid Sky. wasn't there a chicken involved?
i've been meaning to see it again though.
so i never quite got past the scene with the dead guy in Liquid Sky. wasn't there a chicken involved?
i've been meaning to see it again though.
Cori - Thanks. It's nice to get a comment from you. You know I adore your blogs.
Mr. Anigans - I don't recall a chicken in Liquid Sky. The plot was that aliens needed heroine and in theory in the movie, anyway, people release some version of heroine into their brains during orgasm. Thus everytime that woman had sex, the person died - the aliens killed them.
Hippolyte - thank you. I think. ;-)
Mr. Anigans - I don't recall a chicken in Liquid Sky. The plot was that aliens needed heroine and in theory in the movie, anyway, people release some version of heroine into their brains during orgasm. Thus everytime that woman had sex, the person died - the aliens killed them.
Hippolyte - thank you. I think. ;-)
ha! i adore what i've read so far. thanks for leaving a mark back at my site or i wouldn't have been able to discover you. will be back to see this through its conclusion. cheers!
The first concious feelings we have about desire and sexuality are both frightening and exciting. I'm anxious to read more.
-G
-G
Oh, Liquid Sky was great! When it came out me and my girlfriend saw it a couple times and then she made a tape for me of the soundtrack. Whenever someone had an orgasm they released a chemical the aliens were addicted to, and then they'd die like crumpling tin foil. I dunno, it was too weird not to like.
By "interesting" I really meant interesting. I started following polyamory links until I remembered I was at work. Suffice it to say I'm someone who would explore much in life if not for some prior commitments.
By "interesting" I really meant interesting. I started following polyamory links until I remembered I was at work. Suffice it to say I'm someone who would explore much in life if not for some prior commitments.
Well, I found this post by reading part two, and I thoroughly enjoyed it! I went through an awkward phase too. When I graduated high school I was 6'4" and 145 lbs!
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