Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Reservations
When I was married to C, I felt free to write whatever I wanted on this blog. For one, she never bothered to read my blogs. And for two, I was very open with her about my crushes and when I flirted with other people and the like. It seems somehow backwards that now that we've broken up, I am feeling very self-conscious about what I write here. Not that I have anything to hide really. I'm not dating anyone - though, admittedly I have begun to flirt a little now that I'm 45 days since my breakup.
But I'm feeling very frustrated by this sense of inhibition as to what I post on my blog. Of course, the inhibition is self-imposed.
I'm all about being honest, though. Honest with my friends, with myself, and I suppose ultimately, I should also be honest with my exes. The thing is, C and I are taking a break from contact with one another. We had agreed we'd both need time away from one another before we could pursue a friendship. Though we never agreed on when that time would start, it feels like it's started already.
That said, I suppose I should still say what I want on my own blog space and not accept responsibility for whether or not she reads my posts and what her reaction might be. As a good friend once said to me, "Let me have my own reaction." I should do the same for her.
During our breakup, I remember thinking those words as I painfully watched Crissa's emotional storm. "Let her have her own reaction." The most profound part of doing that was that I was freed up to have my own reaction.
So now, I can't control whether or not she chooses to read my blog. Nor can I control how she feels about what is going on in my life. And I can't live my life just to please her. That was part of the problem that got me here in the first place - not wanting to make waves.
The other fear is that her friends will read this blog and will report back to her, whether or not she wants to know. But in that case, too, I need to let her set her own boundaries with friends and what her expectations are in that regard.
I've gotta let these fears go and just be myself.
But I'm feeling very frustrated by this sense of inhibition as to what I post on my blog. Of course, the inhibition is self-imposed.
I'm all about being honest, though. Honest with my friends, with myself, and I suppose ultimately, I should also be honest with my exes. The thing is, C and I are taking a break from contact with one another. We had agreed we'd both need time away from one another before we could pursue a friendship. Though we never agreed on when that time would start, it feels like it's started already.
That said, I suppose I should still say what I want on my own blog space and not accept responsibility for whether or not she reads my posts and what her reaction might be. As a good friend once said to me, "Let me have my own reaction." I should do the same for her.
During our breakup, I remember thinking those words as I painfully watched Crissa's emotional storm. "Let her have her own reaction." The most profound part of doing that was that I was freed up to have my own reaction.
So now, I can't control whether or not she chooses to read my blog. Nor can I control how she feels about what is going on in my life. And I can't live my life just to please her. That was part of the problem that got me here in the first place - not wanting to make waves.
The other fear is that her friends will read this blog and will report back to her, whether or not she wants to know. But in that case, too, I need to let her set her own boundaries with friends and what her expectations are in that regard.
I've gotta let these fears go and just be myself.
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