Friday, July 08, 2005
Tolerating Love
C: Love is pain. If you really love someone, they inevitably hurt you.
ME: So you're saying that I hurt you.
C: Don't take this conversation so personally. This is a philosophical discussion. Of course, you've hurt me. Haven't I hurt you?
ME (mumbling): Yeah, with this conversation.
C: I'm talking about everyone we love - that includes parents, siblings, friends... I defy you to think of one person you love who hasn't hurt you.
ME (pausing to think): Hmmmm... Okay. No one. But I don't agree that love causes me to feel hurt. I think that's insecurity. Love challenges me to face my insecurities. Buddhists say that life is suffering. So then life is causing the pain, not love.
C: Well, why is it that the people we love hurt us more than other people do? Strangers could say one thing and someone we love could say the same thing. The person we love would hurt more.
ME: If everyone we love causes us pain, how do we know when it's too much?
C: It's a matter of what you can tolerate.
[Read comments below for further discussion of this topic.]
ME: So you're saying that I hurt you.
C: Don't take this conversation so personally. This is a philosophical discussion. Of course, you've hurt me. Haven't I hurt you?
ME (mumbling): Yeah, with this conversation.
C: I'm talking about everyone we love - that includes parents, siblings, friends... I defy you to think of one person you love who hasn't hurt you.
ME (pausing to think): Hmmmm... Okay. No one. But I don't agree that love causes me to feel hurt. I think that's insecurity. Love challenges me to face my insecurities. Buddhists say that life is suffering. So then life is causing the pain, not love.
C: Well, why is it that the people we love hurt us more than other people do? Strangers could say one thing and someone we love could say the same thing. The person we love would hurt more.
ME: If everyone we love causes us pain, how do we know when it's too much?
C: It's a matter of what you can tolerate.
[Read comments below for further discussion of this topic.]
Comments:
Jax - So are you saying that people always violate our trust? That's pretty sad, if it's true.
mt1979 - Oh, I so agree about the possession thing and how wrong it is. That ideal - of non-possession - is often in my head as I deal with jealousies and the like. It is so very hard, you're right. But I believe true love is just about the opposite of possession. Loving someone means you want what's best for them, even if it is not the very thing that would best meet your own needs. I often struggle with trying to untangle that. I guess by nature, we want what we think/feel we need in order to survive. But in a day and age of consumerism and capitalism, we are led to believe we *need* things more than what we truly need in order to survive. That feeds this need to own or possess the people whom we love. Wouldn't you agree?
mt1979 - Oh, I so agree about the possession thing and how wrong it is. That ideal - of non-possession - is often in my head as I deal with jealousies and the like. It is so very hard, you're right. But I believe true love is just about the opposite of possession. Loving someone means you want what's best for them, even if it is not the very thing that would best meet your own needs. I often struggle with trying to untangle that. I guess by nature, we want what we think/feel we need in order to survive. But in a day and age of consumerism and capitalism, we are led to believe we *need* things more than what we truly need in order to survive. That feeds this need to own or possess the people whom we love. Wouldn't you agree?
But actually, maybe love is pain. Because by virtue of not getting our needs met, but supporting others, we are sacrificing ourselves in a way that hurts. Okay, I've come full circle. Maybe love is pain. ;-)
if we think of love in terms of pain, we fight a losing battle. a lot of the good things in life go hand in hand with the bad. we take everything with a grain of salt. love is not a precursor of pain, it just means every other emotion you feel is heightened.
I love your related concept of zen love, Sk8-rn. I will also add that sometimes comments from strangers hurt just as much as from those I love. I'm a sensitive gal.
love is heightened awareness, that is why all the emotions are felt so keenly. that is why we feel more alive when in love.
love and fear are the two sides of the coin. love doesn't cause fear (jealousy, pain etc). it is only when we don't allow ourselves to recieve the love around us, in us, for us that the other emotions come in. it is only when we are not giving, flowing and expressing love that the other emotions come in. when we run from fear instead of understanding it is just the otherside of where we want to be, we exasperate it and conglomerate it with other past feelings of not being loved. i tred water in both these senarios. sometimes more on the underside of the coin but I am working on it. good post my friend.
If you love someone, you will more likely feel hurt by something they've done or didn't do. Think about this subject with a more personally responsible twist to it. People do what they do, we might get hurt by the things they do. Like C said, a stranger could try to PURPOSELY emotionally-hurt you, but can't. A loved-one can unintentionally do something that YOU feel hurt over. No one else can make you do or feel anything.
Anyway, one of my favorite blogs: www.smiling-politely.org , changed her template a while back, and this post reminded me of it. It said: "Love is Pain. And I Pain Your Biotch."
Spitting in a Wishing Well
Anyway, one of my favorite blogs: www.smiling-politely.org , changed her template a while back, and this post reminded me of it. It said: "Love is Pain. And I Pain Your Biotch."
Spitting in a Wishing Well
i think the best way to sum up what C is saying is this: when you love someone you bring them in close when someone is in close you don't have the defenses you have from the rest of the world. it's easier to be hurt.
if someone says your you're over weight you can blow it off, if it's your lover you take it to heart.
if someone says your you're over weight you can blow it off, if it's your lover you take it to heart.
I agree with so many of what's been written above. Feeling vulnerable is one possible side-effect of loving someone, but then there are so many other positive effects, I say it's worth opening oneself up to the joy as well as the pain in loving someone. Thanks for more thoughtful postings!
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