Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Top vs. Bottom
I always wondered how Dossie Easton, one of the authors of Ethical Slut, went from writing about polyamory to writing about topping verses bottoming.
In case you don't know, topping and bottoming refer to who is taking what role during sex. It is used more often in describing gay and lesbian sex, as well as S/M, though it could certainly describe vanilla hetero sex, too.
I have struggled with my identity as top vs. bottom. When I first came out of the closet, I mostly dated straight girls, or girls who had never been with a woman before. In most of those cases, I was the top. It was expected that I would take that role. I suppose those straight chicks assumed that I knew what I was doing, so therefore I should be in control. Though perhaps they were just used to laying back and passively enjoying the ride. ;-) I enjoyed topping, except for perhaps the first time I fooled around with a girl and the first time I had sex with a woman, because I really *didn't* know what I was doing. I came out as liking girls far before I figured out my own basic anatomy.
But C is much more of a top than I've ever been. And I've discovered that I really like being a bottom. We still alternate, but much less frequently than we used to.
I used to be precisely egalitarian - if C bottomed last time, I wanted to bottom next. But after a few years of my insistence we do both every time, C convinced me that it really wasn't necesary. She admitted that gets even more satisfaction out of topping. And honestly, the orgasms were never 50-50.
Recently, after C commented on what a fun bottom I am, I protested, "But I don't want to be a bottom. Bottoms just aren't as sexy!"
She smiled and winked, "I beg to differ! You only say that because you're not a top."
Suddenly, I saw her point. Maybe I am a bottom coming out of the closet. ;-)
What do you think? Would you say you are more of a top or a bottom? And if you are a bottom, do you find tops more sexy than bottoms? And if you're a top, do you find bottoms sexier than tops?
In case you don't know, topping and bottoming refer to who is taking what role during sex. It is used more often in describing gay and lesbian sex, as well as S/M, though it could certainly describe vanilla hetero sex, too.
I have struggled with my identity as top vs. bottom. When I first came out of the closet, I mostly dated straight girls, or girls who had never been with a woman before. In most of those cases, I was the top. It was expected that I would take that role. I suppose those straight chicks assumed that I knew what I was doing, so therefore I should be in control. Though perhaps they were just used to laying back and passively enjoying the ride. ;-) I enjoyed topping, except for perhaps the first time I fooled around with a girl and the first time I had sex with a woman, because I really *didn't* know what I was doing. I came out as liking girls far before I figured out my own basic anatomy.
But C is much more of a top than I've ever been. And I've discovered that I really like being a bottom. We still alternate, but much less frequently than we used to.
I used to be precisely egalitarian - if C bottomed last time, I wanted to bottom next. But after a few years of my insistence we do both every time, C convinced me that it really wasn't necesary. She admitted that gets even more satisfaction out of topping. And honestly, the orgasms were never 50-50.
Recently, after C commented on what a fun bottom I am, I protested, "But I don't want to be a bottom. Bottoms just aren't as sexy!"
She smiled and winked, "I beg to differ! You only say that because you're not a top."
Suddenly, I saw her point. Maybe I am a bottom coming out of the closet. ;-)
What do you think? Would you say you are more of a top or a bottom? And if you are a bottom, do you find tops more sexy than bottoms? And if you're a top, do you find bottoms sexier than tops?
Comments:
very interesting post here!!
you made me laugh with --> "Maybe I am a bottom coming out of the closet."
i definitely think the sexiest would be TOP.
someone who is agressive and takes control is a big turn-on for me!
and it's great to take on the role as well ;)
looks like you got the best of both worlds :)
you made me laugh with --> "Maybe I am a bottom coming out of the closet."
i definitely think the sexiest would be TOP.
someone who is agressive and takes control is a big turn-on for me!
and it's great to take on the role as well ;)
looks like you got the best of both worlds :)
Mari - LOL. Well, yeah, there are definitely very *bad* bottoms, as there are some bad tops, as well. I've been with a few of each. Though I'm sure you're neither. ;-)
Lorena - Sounds like you like to be both bottom and top. Do you think you are more of one than the other? Or about equal?
Lorena - Sounds like you like to be both bottom and top. Do you think you are more of one than the other? Or about equal?
if i say bottom it is only because i'm attracted to aggressive people (like kate's character from L word) and so that is where i'll end up. my wanting to be in control would make me a top..hmmm.
i guess i'll stick with even.
i guess i'll stick with even.
i recently had this discussion with the girlfriend - the past year or so, i've become more of a bottom. not consciously. it's just happened, but it works out. keeps the sex life on it's toes, so to speak...
i'm a top until i get tired, and then i'm a napper, which, well, probably makes me a bottom. if i'm drunk, i start out as a top, but then give up from frustration and become an apologetic. if i'm not in the mood, i'm an avoider, and sometimes have to resort to being a runner, in case my wife won't take no. but since she's she's pretty quick, i usually wind up as a bottom. until i get warmed up and then become a top. i'm not making any sense, am i?
G - Yeah, no doubt. The partner can definitely make a difference, huh?
A - So were you more of a top before or did you switch back and forth more often than you do now?
Brando - You definitely made sense and were hysterical while making sense. Always the charmer!
A - So were you more of a top before or did you switch back and forth more often than you do now?
Brando - You definitely made sense and were hysterical while making sense. Always the charmer!
i do prefer partners who take control, so i'm more a bottoms-up-type-gal. but, i'm also an equal opportunist in bed too...
=)
=)
i think i like being a bottom in bed and a top in the car. like real estate, i am all about location, location, location. but tops and bottoms are sexiest when shuffled and this is an awesome post. maybe i should balance out my positions, hm?
Stella - Bottoms up, eh? There is a whole 'nother conversation. But we could certainly go there. ;-)
transcience - real estate and sex. Very amusing metaphor you chose. I'm highly amused. And what fond memories you've inspired. I haven't been in a car in that sense in too many years to publish. ;-)
transcience - real estate and sex. Very amusing metaphor you chose. I'm highly amused. And what fond memories you've inspired. I haven't been in a car in that sense in too many years to publish. ;-)
What do you think?
I think you are a bottom at heart.
Would you say you are more of a top or a bottom?
I'm a bottom.
And if you are a bottom, do you find tops more sexy than bottoms?
Certainly not. Never even entertained the thought.
And if you're a top, do you find bottoms sexier than tops?
N/A :)
I think you are a bottom at heart.
Would you say you are more of a top or a bottom?
I'm a bottom.
And if you are a bottom, do you find tops more sexy than bottoms?
Certainly not. Never even entertained the thought.
And if you're a top, do you find bottoms sexier than tops?
N/A :)
Hello,
First, thanks for your kind words over at my blog.
Second, interesting topic indeed. You've really inspired great discussion in your comments section. I really don't think I can easily define myself; in bed I tend to take turns. I am naturally a very aggressive person and I do take control regularly, but I also enjoy rough sex with an aggressive partner. I never really thought about how often I fall into one roll or the other, maybe because sex is often not just top and bottom but side by side or front to back. I'll be keeping tabs for the next little while for sure!
First, thanks for your kind words over at my blog.
Second, interesting topic indeed. You've really inspired great discussion in your comments section. I really don't think I can easily define myself; in bed I tend to take turns. I am naturally a very aggressive person and I do take control regularly, but I also enjoy rough sex with an aggressive partner. I never really thought about how often I fall into one roll or the other, maybe because sex is often not just top and bottom but side by side or front to back. I'll be keeping tabs for the next little while for sure!
Thanks for visiting my blog & for sharing your thoughts. How cool to come check yours out and find such a fun post.
I'm a switch for sure. I like it most any way I can get it and I get bored being trapped in one role.
I loved the Ethical Slut btw. Nice to meet you!
~leela
I'm a switch for sure. I like it most any way I can get it and I get bored being trapped in one role.
I loved the Ethical Slut btw. Nice to meet you!
~leela
oh noooo... i meant bottoms up as in the out drinking with friends type of way (lol). in that case, i'm a bottoms flat person. (not to add further confusion ;)
JennyNYC-Yeah, you're probably right. Though I don't think I want to be so pigeonholed as to never get to top anymore either. So I'd say I like to switch to some extent. However, I still find bottoms sexy, too. Though my interest is definitely sparked more by tops. So I suppose that says something. ;-)
The Flea - Thanks for the education in your post, as I had to look up Sacher-Masoch. Found some interesting quotes.
Jay - "...side by side or front to back..." So very true! I love how you broke right out of the two boxes I offered! ;-)
Leela - Ditto! Although I will admit I tend towards being a bottom (though a wild one - in fact sometimes I'd even say I top *from the bottom*), I don't want to be trapped in either role.
Bullish - Meow! ;-)
Stella - LOL. Thanks for the clarification.
Jax - Last, but never least, my friend! After reading so many posts of women who prefer the bottom, I was beginning to wonder just that same thought. But with a trend towards men who'd like to be on the bottom at least some of the time, seems us gals need to stretch our comfort level a little more perhaps. And there is so much fun to be had in adventure! I'm sure everyone would agree, no?
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The Flea - Thanks for the education in your post, as I had to look up Sacher-Masoch. Found some interesting quotes.
Jay - "...side by side or front to back..." So very true! I love how you broke right out of the two boxes I offered! ;-)
Leela - Ditto! Although I will admit I tend towards being a bottom (though a wild one - in fact sometimes I'd even say I top *from the bottom*), I don't want to be trapped in either role.
Bullish - Meow! ;-)
Stella - LOL. Thanks for the clarification.
Jax - Last, but never least, my friend! After reading so many posts of women who prefer the bottom, I was beginning to wonder just that same thought. But with a trend towards men who'd like to be on the bottom at least some of the time, seems us gals need to stretch our comfort level a little more perhaps. And there is so much fun to be had in adventure! I'm sure everyone would agree, no?
