Friday, June 10, 2005
They asked me to stop...
...writing about them.
In the past two weeks or so, I have received three requests by three different people in three different conversations:
"I have a request. Please stop writing about me."
The first person who asked, surprised me. I was shocked, but answered simply, "Okay."
The second person who asked made the request in the midst of a fight and I instead answered, "Maybe it would be best for you to just stop reading my blog."
The third person who made this request was very serious, but I laughed. I mean, come on. The frequency I've gotten this request has become comical!
Obviously, I will not say who made these requests. But my third response is the the one I think I will stick with.
I am a writer. I get a large amount of satisfaction in writing about my life and the people who are in it. I think this request is too much to ask of me. If I agreed not to write about anybody, what material would I be left with? ;-)
"So, today I sat on the couch. I talked on the phone (though I can't tell you with whom or what we said as they'd know it was them)."
All of my posts would be so vague as to be... pointless. Though I suppose I could still write about my pets; how could they protest? But would I get any satisfaction out of that?
In any case, this request has been food for thought.
What does it mean for people to be friends with me, knowingly running the risk of becoming characters in a blog post? What would it mean for people whom I've written about to unknowingly come across a posting about them on my blog? How might it affect my relationships with friends if they see in writing how I see them? Do I not convey that I care about these poeple and have respect for them in my writing? Should I alter my writing to protect egos? Am I not equally if not more self-revealing as I am revealing of others? If these three people have been brave enough to make the request, does that mean there are dozens of others who just don't say anything? I don't want to start a new more anonymous blog. I've put a lot of myself into this one and don't want to give it up.
I've actually had this debate before. Though the issue had not seemed nearly as large as it does now, having received these three recent requests.
I'm curious. Is it just me or are others encountering the same friction between their blog life and their off-line lives?
In the past two weeks or so, I have received three requests by three different people in three different conversations:
"I have a request. Please stop writing about me."
The first person who asked, surprised me. I was shocked, but answered simply, "Okay."
The second person who asked made the request in the midst of a fight and I instead answered, "Maybe it would be best for you to just stop reading my blog."
The third person who made this request was very serious, but I laughed. I mean, come on. The frequency I've gotten this request has become comical!
Obviously, I will not say who made these requests. But my third response is the the one I think I will stick with.
I am a writer. I get a large amount of satisfaction in writing about my life and the people who are in it. I think this request is too much to ask of me. If I agreed not to write about anybody, what material would I be left with? ;-)
"So, today I sat on the couch. I talked on the phone (though I can't tell you with whom or what we said as they'd know it was them)."
All of my posts would be so vague as to be... pointless. Though I suppose I could still write about my pets; how could they protest? But would I get any satisfaction out of that?
In any case, this request has been food for thought.
What does it mean for people to be friends with me, knowingly running the risk of becoming characters in a blog post? What would it mean for people whom I've written about to unknowingly come across a posting about them on my blog? How might it affect my relationships with friends if they see in writing how I see them? Do I not convey that I care about these poeple and have respect for them in my writing? Should I alter my writing to protect egos? Am I not equally if not more self-revealing as I am revealing of others? If these three people have been brave enough to make the request, does that mean there are dozens of others who just don't say anything? I don't want to start a new more anonymous blog. I've put a lot of myself into this one and don't want to give it up.
I've actually had this debate before. Though the issue had not seemed nearly as large as it does now, having received these three recent requests.
I'm curious. Is it just me or are others encountering the same friction between their blog life and their off-line lives?
Comments:
The reason I don't use my real name is because family was getting upset not because I talked about them but because of every thing else I talked about.
Some people just don't "get" it.
-G
Some people just don't "get" it.
-G
what if you change their name? i guess they would still know...then they should stop visiting your blog!! the point of a blog is to journal in a sense or if you choose too, to write in general but all writing comes from your own experience.
i don't have that situation because i haven't written anything specific about someone. i don't know how i managed not too and when i did it was only nice things.
i hope you figure out what is best for you.
i don't have that situation because i haven't written anything specific about someone. i don't know how i managed not too and when i did it was only nice things.
i hope you figure out what is best for you.
obviously one wants to write about people one knows as they make up one's life experiences but then they don't want to be pointed out hence you gotta respect that. try to hide them behing words.
My personal opinion?
No one should be surprised by a blog post. If I write about someone on a blog, good or bad, but I didn't have the nerve to actually ~say~ what I had to sayto the person's face - I have no business writing it for other people to see.
It just seems like a respect issue to me.
No one should be surprised by a blog post. If I write about someone on a blog, good or bad, but I didn't have the nerve to actually ~say~ what I had to sayto the person's face - I have no business writing it for other people to see.
It just seems like a respect issue to me.
Interesting feedback I'm getting.
G - I don't use my name anywhere in my blog, nor anyone else's name for similar reasons as you. You're right; I think people who don't blog, just don't get it.
Lorena - Again, I don't use any real names. Okay, well, I've used a few, but those are people I'm no longer in touch with and they're not the ones complaining as I doubt they read this blog. But yeah, I guess I'm not always as nice as I could be.
Gulnaz - I agree. I want to respect their wishes. Perhaps I'll start a new anonymous blog where I talk about those people and keep writing on this one, too. LOL. [Okay, I'm cracking myself up with that idea].
Indigo - How did you feel giving up your old blog? See, I'm having a very hard time with that.
Kellie - There are very very few things on here that I haven't told the specific people directly. The complaints are most often not that I haven't said them before, but that they didn't want to see them publicized for the world to see. One person cited, "[Your blog] can ruin [my] reputation. People will have a hayday talking about [me]." Personally, I think that's a bit paranoid and awfully self-important of this person to worry about, but... maybe I'm wrong. The one thing that came as a surprise to the person was a word I used to describe them, which I did not expect to come off as offensive. Apparently, I unknowingly hit a button.
G - I don't use my name anywhere in my blog, nor anyone else's name for similar reasons as you. You're right; I think people who don't blog, just don't get it.
Lorena - Again, I don't use any real names. Okay, well, I've used a few, but those are people I'm no longer in touch with and they're not the ones complaining as I doubt they read this blog. But yeah, I guess I'm not always as nice as I could be.
Gulnaz - I agree. I want to respect their wishes. Perhaps I'll start a new anonymous blog where I talk about those people and keep writing on this one, too. LOL. [Okay, I'm cracking myself up with that idea].
Indigo - How did you feel giving up your old blog? See, I'm having a very hard time with that.
Kellie - There are very very few things on here that I haven't told the specific people directly. The complaints are most often not that I haven't said them before, but that they didn't want to see them publicized for the world to see. One person cited, "[Your blog] can ruin [my] reputation. People will have a hayday talking about [me]." Personally, I think that's a bit paranoid and awfully self-important of this person to worry about, but... maybe I'm wrong. The one thing that came as a surprise to the person was a word I used to describe them, which I did not expect to come off as offensive. Apparently, I unknowingly hit a button.
I asked C what I should do and she thinks I should start a new anonymous blog, too. Hmmmm... Well, I wouldn't want to lose you guys. Would you follow me there?
i'm confused. if you don't use there real names. unless you are saying something that you wouldn't say to their face, what is the problem? i guess i'll have to put myself in your place to understand....hmm...anyhow, of course we'd follow you over there.
aren't you anonymous already?
aren't you anonymous already?
huh
I'm confused now, too.
I assumed, by the reaction that you were getting, that you were using real names and the people you were talking about hadn't had the opportunity to discuss this with you.
If everyone knows how you feel about the particular issues, and you aren't using real names...how could someone be ruined by what you're saying? Moreover, they are your experiences, too. Do you not get to explore them because someone else doesn't want you to?
I'm confused now, too.
I assumed, by the reaction that you were getting, that you were using real names and the people you were talking about hadn't had the opportunity to discuss this with you.
If everyone knows how you feel about the particular issues, and you aren't using real names...how could someone be ruined by what you're saying? Moreover, they are your experiences, too. Do you not get to explore them because someone else doesn't want you to?
Yes, I'm anonymous in the sense that people who don't know me would have a hard time figuring out who I am in the off-line world. But there are people who knew me in the off-line world first who also read this blog. The problem is that they know each other and know that each other reads my blog. And they're worried about what each other will think.
Indigo - I started out this journal as a means to communicate with my friends throughout the country what was going on in my life. Thus telling them about it. But like your blog, it has become a space where I explore my thoughts and analyze my emotions. So perhaps it has a life of its own and is branching into areas no longer appropriate for its initial intended audience. This is really very fascinating to me. I feel like my blog is at a major turning point. I don't want to lose my blogger friendships by disappearing into an unidentifiable new URL. But perhaps you're right, perhaps I need to start something anew.
JennyNYC - Interesting that you should agree with Indigo. Since I know you in my off-line world, does that mean you shouldn't know about this new blog either? ;-) Of course, being my muse, you'd still read most of it in your snail mail box anyway, right?
Decisions, decisions.
JennyNYC - Interesting that you should agree with Indigo. Since I know you in my off-line world, does that mean you shouldn't know about this new blog either? ;-) Of course, being my muse, you'd still read most of it in your snail mail box anyway, right?
Decisions, decisions.
RN...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
IF YOU CHANGE URLS I'LL HAVE TO UPDATE MY BLOG!! ~weeps brokenly~ WHY MUST THIS BE THE SUMMER OF MY DISCONTENT!?!
other than that, I derno, I have no idea what I would do if people wanted me to stop blogging about them. Because if SOME people read some of the shit I ranted about (about them) I'm sure there would be hurt feelings and burnt bridges. I had a secondary blog out there for a while, to continue the confessions... but honestly, I felt like I was lying to myself and slinking around... nevertheless I haven't meshed the two (even though I've stopped blogging in the second one).
It's ultimately your choice, but if it were me I would just change the url for this blog and move the whole kit and caboodle, and if the people find the blog under it's new URL, fuck'em.
My mother said once of my diary (after she'd read it and made comments in the margins) "don't write anything that you don't want someone to read." (-and misintreprate, but that's MY spin on it).
She read my diary twice and both times made her commentary, it didn't stop me from journaling... but it did stop me from hiding the fucking things. I started keeping my diaries right out where she could get easy access to them and made sure that there was plenty of room in the margins for her.
IF YOU CHANGE URLS I'LL HAVE TO UPDATE MY BLOG!! ~weeps brokenly~ WHY MUST THIS BE THE SUMMER OF MY DISCONTENT!?!
other than that, I derno, I have no idea what I would do if people wanted me to stop blogging about them. Because if SOME people read some of the shit I ranted about (about them) I'm sure there would be hurt feelings and burnt bridges. I had a secondary blog out there for a while, to continue the confessions... but honestly, I felt like I was lying to myself and slinking around... nevertheless I haven't meshed the two (even though I've stopped blogging in the second one).
It's ultimately your choice, but if it were me I would just change the url for this blog and move the whole kit and caboodle, and if the people find the blog under it's new URL, fuck'em.
My mother said once of my diary (after she'd read it and made comments in the margins) "don't write anything that you don't want someone to read." (-and misintreprate, but that's MY spin on it).
She read my diary twice and both times made her commentary, it didn't stop me from journaling... but it did stop me from hiding the fucking things. I started keeping my diaries right out where she could get easy access to them and made sure that there was plenty of room in the margins for her.
I understand completely. I have noticed that you do not use names, but rather an initial which I assume is the first letter in their first name, but I or any other anonymous reader would not be able to distinguish that.
Personally, I do not think you need to start a new blog. I feel you were right in telling X, Y, & Z not to read your blog, but unfortunately we are very curious creatures, well most of us that is. Then of course, insecurity plays its part. We put way to much emphasis on that word in our society; there are varying degrees of insecurity. We are all insecure in some ways or about certain things, so if anyone reading this is taking offense, there is no need, you are normal.
Back to the issue of another blog, I may be giving this away, but I am quite sure that the readers in question are intelligent enough to follow the links of your current readers, to seek you out. However, if you do decide to try and go "incognito" I will follow you, as I have become a devoted fan! Good luck with this.
Personally, I do not think you need to start a new blog. I feel you were right in telling X, Y, & Z not to read your blog, but unfortunately we are very curious creatures, well most of us that is. Then of course, insecurity plays its part. We put way to much emphasis on that word in our society; there are varying degrees of insecurity. We are all insecure in some ways or about certain things, so if anyone reading this is taking offense, there is no need, you are normal.
Back to the issue of another blog, I may be giving this away, but I am quite sure that the readers in question are intelligent enough to follow the links of your current readers, to seek you out. However, if you do decide to try and go "incognito" I will follow you, as I have become a devoted fan! Good luck with this.
I've told most of my friends about my blog, even some acquaintances at work. I don't generally write about them, but I do write about me and sometimes I've wondered if they are reading. So far, I feel that there's a complicity in that none of my non virtual friends comment (on the blog or face to face), but I know that they read it.
I think your friends should get a grip and that you should feel free to do as you please. AND should you change blog addresses and the like, I'd follow you there.
I think your friends should get a grip and that you should feel free to do as you please. AND should you change blog addresses and the like, I'd follow you there.
FRA - LOL. Your comment gave me a huge grin. You're right. I don't think i'd be happy slinking around undercover either.
Neel - good points - both with everyone's innate curiosity and their likely intelligent ability to track me back down through links. i guess hiding would be futile. :-)
Milktea - :o}~ LOL
jennyNYC - I suddenly want to remember that anacronym for laughing my guts out. ROFL - something like that? Rolling on the floor laughing? Who knows what i'm trying to say? I've got the memory of an ant for these kinds of things.
Dee - Thanks for the vote of support. I would hope people would not make solid judgements about the people I write about based on what I say, too, because generally I care a lot about these people. They must be important to me somehow or why would i bother writing about them, right? I wish they'd see it that way.
jax - I'm very curious to read that post. Though I hope you don't get as much flack from your peeps as I got from mine! ;-)
Ro - Thanks for your encouragement, too.
With all of this wonderful support, i'm feeling inclined to stick with this site. Though I have to say, after all of this engaging conversation in these comments, I'm having a hard time imagining posting a normal post ever again. LOL. But don't worry, I will post again. You guys rule!
Neel - good points - both with everyone's innate curiosity and their likely intelligent ability to track me back down through links. i guess hiding would be futile. :-)
Milktea - :o}~ LOL
jennyNYC - I suddenly want to remember that anacronym for laughing my guts out. ROFL - something like that? Rolling on the floor laughing? Who knows what i'm trying to say? I've got the memory of an ant for these kinds of things.
Dee - Thanks for the vote of support. I would hope people would not make solid judgements about the people I write about based on what I say, too, because generally I care a lot about these people. They must be important to me somehow or why would i bother writing about them, right? I wish they'd see it that way.
jax - I'm very curious to read that post. Though I hope you don't get as much flack from your peeps as I got from mine! ;-)
Ro - Thanks for your encouragement, too.
With all of this wonderful support, i'm feeling inclined to stick with this site. Though I have to say, after all of this engaging conversation in these comments, I'm having a hard time imagining posting a normal post ever again. LOL. But don't worry, I will post again. You guys rule!
Oh I am glad you decided to stick around! I wasn't sure what to write before because there are lines that are delicate and it is hard to figure what is your responsibility as a writer, friend, lover to say and or keep to yourself. I use my blog, inpart, to explore the boundries of this.
great post and topic of discussion! whatever you do decide (which sounds like your staying around) i'll find you anyways. hope everything clears up :)
i've had issues before with this. in the end, it was just me addressing that the blog is a medium for personal writing and that it is all about me, really. not about other people.
seriously, if people don't want you to write about them, then they'd probably be really boring to read about. hell, you could take a poll and see who wants to be the focus of your writer's intelect.
it is tough keeping real life and blog life apart. think of it much like your sex life. there are some you share it with, but others you would never discuss it with.
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it is tough keeping real life and blog life apart. think of it much like your sex life. there are some you share it with, but others you would never discuss it with.