Pandora's Box

This story starts here.

We heard the key in the front door of my parents’ house briefly, followed immediately by the sound of the door opening. It was my sister. She only had to walk through the living room and she would see us. I quickly got up and we both reassembled ourselves. Fortunately, my sister didn’t come looking.

But you should’ve left the light on
You should’ve left the light on...

We were both kind of freaked out by what had happened. In school the next day, I tried to read Alex to get a clue as to how we should interact. Things felt different. Although we had played with boundaries for weeks; they had finally been crossed.

Alex wouldn’t really look at me when we passed in the hallways. And I took the looks his friend Gretchen was throwing at me as I sign I should stay away.

But you should’ve left the light on
You should’ve left the light on...

This period of my life was traumatic in many ways. My parents were abusive; I wasn’t happy that Rose and I had broken up; and my sister hated me. So losing Alex was even more devastating at this point in my life.

I heard through the grapevine that Rose was pissed off because she thought that she should have been the first woman whom Alex slept with (if ever there was one). This news shocked me mostly because I hadn’t felt like Alex and I had really had sex. It had lasted so briefly, and I felt responsible and guilty about it. I blamed myself for losing his friendship. And this devastated me. So when I heard this bit of news about Rose, I laughed, “I also wish she had been the one to sleep with him! Maybe then, Alex and I would still be friends.”

But you should’ve left the light on
You should’ve left the light on...

Somehow, by the summer after high school graduation, Alex and I became friends again. Alex had a boyfriend at that point. The three of us would go out together now and then. I liked his boyfriend quite a bit; he was adorable.

On one occasion, when the three of us were hanging out at my apartment, the three of us decided to get naked, wrap ourselves up in my bed linens and run around, dancing throughout my apartment. I guess I should explain: I had three roommates. Plus we had at least another two or three people hanging out in our apartment at all times. I wish I’d had a camera to capture the looks on the faces of everyone in the apartment as the three of us ran out into the living room!

But you should’ve left the light on
You should’ve left the light on...

Then during winter break from college, Alex and I were both visiting our hometown. We were out late catching up; Alex ended up spending the night with me at my parent’s house. My parents embraced our sharing a bed, probably hoping to turn two gay birds straight with one stone.

This time, the tickling led to him getting on top of me. My fear of losing his friendship again gave me the will power to sit back and let him take the lead. We dry humped for awhile. Afterwards, he told me that although he still identified as gay, he’d slept with a couple of his lesbian friends at his college. We never did talk about that first time; this was the last time we were sexual together.

But you should’ve left the light on
You should’ve left the light on...

Alex and I took the bus home from high school together. That’s how we met. Alex said he remembered me from Sunday school classes when we were children, but I couldn’t remember my life back that far. Alex intrigued me; he had one brown eye and one green eye. Eventually, he ended up inviting me to our Freshman year’s Homecoming dance. This was obviously before either of us knew that we were queer.

I treated Alex horribly at that dance. First off, I didn’t know how to date. It was the first date of my life. THAT was at least part of the problem. I wanted to hang out with my friends. I felt awkward with the idea of dancing with Alex while most of my friends were there alone, watching.

Our friendship was lost at that dance and didn’t rekindle until we had both come out as gay, then we could finally laugh over that Homecoming horror. But I don’t think we ever really recovered from that first painfully awkward experience with one another.

We now live only about 10 blocks from one another, but we almost never see each other. I saw Alex a few times while we were both living in Washington, DC, at least 8 years ago. Then I ran into him on the bus once after moving to San Francisco. He told me how busy he is with school – he’s getting his PhD. I’ve tried calling him a few times since then, but he doesn’t return my calls. C has run into him a few times in the Castro and he always asks her about me. Maybe someday, Alex and I will talk about what happened and how we felt about it. Of course, first, I think I still need to figure out exactly how I feel about it. But in the meantime, I miss him and wonder if our friendship would have lasted if things had been different somehow.

Next time I'll keep my hands to myself instead.