Monday, June 27, 2005
Eternal Sunshine in the Spark of a Fairy Wing
Michelle and I decided to make the most of our last few hours of Gay Pride by heading over to The Cafe to dance. C has to work tomorrow morning, so she decided not to come along.
Watching the crowd with its fluid sexuality, I was once again mesmerized by the blurring of lines. I watched men dance with men, women dance with women, then these same men and women dancing together. Then back to their same gender dance partners again. I couldn't keep track of who was queer and who wasn't. Is it hip to be gay? Are all of the "straight people" now doing it? Or are there just very few straight people in this world? Or just a lot more bisexuals?
My eye locked onto a crowd of gay men grinding together. I'm starting to admit that this seems to be a fetish of mine.
They caught me watching them and leaned in to whisper with one another. A moment later, two unmatching arms reached out to pull me into their circle. Within a minute, I was sandwiched between two men whom had just moments before seemed gay. The train continued behind each of them, more men grinding into their asses. I was overjoyed with the thrill of being a part of their sexy energy on the dance floor.
From behind, I heard, "You are very sexy."
From in front, "You are so cute."
Their compliments broke my spell as I wondered again about their sexuality. Why were they complimenting me so? What were their motives?
I slipped away and watched as they danced together again - their eyes meeting with an electric charge.
A different man from their group joined me on the dance floor on and off throughout the night. I enjoyed myself as our bodies moved to the same rhythm, feeling safer with him as he seemed "most definitely" gay. Why does that matter?
Another man approached Michelle. I jumped on behind him as they danced together. Next thing I knew, this man and I were locked in a musical embrace. I suddenly appreciated the fashion fad of wearing a skirt over jeans. I slid my skirt up so his knee fit between my thighs. Somehow sliding my skirt up while maintaining the protection of my jeans was a huge turn-on.
As the song ended, I thanked my dance partner and slipped off to meet up with Michelle.
A song or two later, who appeared? My dance partner, his rainbow pride beads glittering in the light from the bar.
I tried to pretend I didn't see him, but he persisted. "Hey, where are you all from?" he asked, trying to make conversation.
"Here," I replied curtly then turned away.
I was so rude. I felt like a horrible person. I thought he'd understood the unspoken rules at this club. Anything goes while the song is on, but then we all do-si-do to our next partner.
I ruined my own night, plagued by guilt.
When I arrived home, I saw the fairy wings that C had made us for pride. And I felt overwhelmed with love for her. I have a wife who is so loving, creative and fun.
So then I rewatched "Eternal Sunshine in a Spotless Mind." And I finally got it.
It's all of the little, special, seemingly insignificant details: the crumpled fairy wing on the end table, C laying in bed right now with her soft lips and her warm body beneath the blanket. These are the big things - the things that make the relationship so worthwhile.
Sometimes I need to walk a pace or two off our shared path to be reminded of that.
C has given me her blessing, allowing me to dance with strangers in bars. And you know what? I see the emptiness of those encounters with my very own eyes. C is beyond belief in her ability to let me discover the world on my own when I need to, loving me all the while. And it's a good lesson to help me follow my heart instead of keeping myself in check purely by a rule I've agreed to. I'm sure many of you will disagree with this philosophy. But if I don't die from my own sense of guilt, this just might work.
Watching the crowd with its fluid sexuality, I was once again mesmerized by the blurring of lines. I watched men dance with men, women dance with women, then these same men and women dancing together. Then back to their same gender dance partners again. I couldn't keep track of who was queer and who wasn't. Is it hip to be gay? Are all of the "straight people" now doing it? Or are there just very few straight people in this world? Or just a lot more bisexuals?
My eye locked onto a crowd of gay men grinding together. I'm starting to admit that this seems to be a fetish of mine.
They caught me watching them and leaned in to whisper with one another. A moment later, two unmatching arms reached out to pull me into their circle. Within a minute, I was sandwiched between two men whom had just moments before seemed gay. The train continued behind each of them, more men grinding into their asses. I was overjoyed with the thrill of being a part of their sexy energy on the dance floor.
From behind, I heard, "You are very sexy."
From in front, "You are so cute."
Their compliments broke my spell as I wondered again about their sexuality. Why were they complimenting me so? What were their motives?
I slipped away and watched as they danced together again - their eyes meeting with an electric charge.
A different man from their group joined me on the dance floor on and off throughout the night. I enjoyed myself as our bodies moved to the same rhythm, feeling safer with him as he seemed "most definitely" gay. Why does that matter?
Another man approached Michelle. I jumped on behind him as they danced together. Next thing I knew, this man and I were locked in a musical embrace. I suddenly appreciated the fashion fad of wearing a skirt over jeans. I slid my skirt up so his knee fit between my thighs. Somehow sliding my skirt up while maintaining the protection of my jeans was a huge turn-on.
As the song ended, I thanked my dance partner and slipped off to meet up with Michelle.
A song or two later, who appeared? My dance partner, his rainbow pride beads glittering in the light from the bar.
I tried to pretend I didn't see him, but he persisted. "Hey, where are you all from?" he asked, trying to make conversation.
"Here," I replied curtly then turned away.
I was so rude. I felt like a horrible person. I thought he'd understood the unspoken rules at this club. Anything goes while the song is on, but then we all do-si-do to our next partner.
I ruined my own night, plagued by guilt.
When I arrived home, I saw the fairy wings that C had made us for pride. And I felt overwhelmed with love for her. I have a wife who is so loving, creative and fun.
So then I rewatched "Eternal Sunshine in a Spotless Mind." And I finally got it.
It's all of the little, special, seemingly insignificant details: the crumpled fairy wing on the end table, C laying in bed right now with her soft lips and her warm body beneath the blanket. These are the big things - the things that make the relationship so worthwhile.
Sometimes I need to walk a pace or two off our shared path to be reminded of that.
C has given me her blessing, allowing me to dance with strangers in bars. And you know what? I see the emptiness of those encounters with my very own eyes. C is beyond belief in her ability to let me discover the world on my own when I need to, loving me all the while. And it's a good lesson to help me follow my heart instead of keeping myself in check purely by a rule I've agreed to. I'm sure many of you will disagree with this philosophy. But if I don't die from my own sense of guilt, this just might work.
Comments:
Your last paragraph of this post was so right on the mark, at least for me. Wonderfully expressed. A lot of people may have a hard time believing that philosophy, but believe me, there are those of us who live by it. We may be few and far between, but that doesn't change the fact that we exist.
a beautiful story! i completely understand each and every fragment. and can i just say that i adore:
1. that film
2. how you and your partner love each other and
3. the freedom you have of letting your heart go.
c reads just like my partner, and he is remarkable!
1. that film
2. how you and your partner love each other and
3. the freedom you have of letting your heart go.
c reads just like my partner, and he is remarkable!
loved it, so beautiful, sexy and honest. want to see the movie eternal sunshine now. I like c's attittude and i adore what you write about love. straight or gay, love is basically the same.
You all are so great! I only slept about four hours before worries about this post haunted my dreams enough to wake me. I thought I might offend people or scare them away. But y'all are just so great! I should have known better. Thanks so much - for being you! Awwww... I'm feeling mushy now. I gotta love you all, though.
Layla - Love that profile pic of yours. ;-) It's very nice to find like-minded folk, as yes, we seem to be few and far between. Thanks for speaking out.
Indigo - I take that as a compliment. ;-)
Jenny - Thanks, hun!
Exile - You know just the right things to say, don't you? ;-)
Transience - Lucky you - if your partner is anything like C! I thought she was one in a million. ;-)
Gulnaz - So true! That love is love is love. Thank you for the compliments.
Layla - Love that profile pic of yours. ;-) It's very nice to find like-minded folk, as yes, we seem to be few and far between. Thanks for speaking out.
Indigo - I take that as a compliment. ;-)
Jenny - Thanks, hun!
Exile - You know just the right things to say, don't you? ;-)
Transience - Lucky you - if your partner is anything like C! I thought she was one in a million. ;-)
Gulnaz - So true! That love is love is love. Thank you for the compliments.
what a great story. you seemed to have had a lot of fun!
dancing i feel is all a language of it's own and you do feel like you are in a spell sometimes (especially with the dancing you were doing ;) and talking afterwards does ruin it sometimes. hopefully the guy didn't take it personal. i also feel guilty when i do something similar.
i think it's great that despite orientation, everyone was enjoying moving with each other and catching on the same rhythm.
i know what stuck out for me from that film is that the memory of love never fades.
i'm happy that despite whatever path you take, it still leads you right back to your sweetie. you are one lucky woman :)!! but you know that.
dancing i feel is all a language of it's own and you do feel like you are in a spell sometimes (especially with the dancing you were doing ;) and talking afterwards does ruin it sometimes. hopefully the guy didn't take it personal. i also feel guilty when i do something similar.
i think it's great that despite orientation, everyone was enjoying moving with each other and catching on the same rhythm.
i know what stuck out for me from that film is that the memory of love never fades.
i'm happy that despite whatever path you take, it still leads you right back to your sweetie. you are one lucky woman :)!! but you know that.
sk8rn- i try. maybe it's just the guy in me lesbians always earn extra cool points in my book. it's not like i intend to have sex with them, but just that you can feel a deeper connection to them on a friendship level.
not that i'd turn down sex... (still a dumb guy, you see)
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not that i'd turn down sex... (still a dumb guy, you see)