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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

We interrupt this program because... 

I need a break! ;-)

Instead, I want to write today about jealousy.

Filthy Rotten Angel and Brandon both commented about jealousy in my post about polyamory. And well... I've been given a recent opportunity to explore my own feelings of jealousy and thought I'd share them with y'all.

We were going out on a day that the meteorologist had predicted rain, though the sky was still clear. On our way out of our apartment building, I noticed that instead of her cream-colored, 50's style rain coat, C had grabbed my bright white lab coat out of the closet.

ME (laughing): Honey, did you realized that you're wearing my lab coat?

C (distressed): Oh, no! Am I really?

C had just been in a bike accident, so I ran upstairs to exchange the coats for her. As soon as I got back outside, we ran into our neighbor, V (of the previous mentioned post on polyamory).

V: Where are you two headed off to, because y'all are lookin' super sexy tonight.

As V spoke, her eyes ran up and down the length of C's sexy bod. I was helping C into the raincoat, so the luscious detail of C's dress clinging to her waist and her hips was still visible for V to admire.

Now, first of all, V has flirted with me as well, so for that reason alone, I shouldn't be jealous. But I was!

On the Muni ride, I started asking C if she was going to sleep with V.

C: See! This is exactly why we couldn't be nonmonogamous. You're too jealous! People just have to show a minor interest in me and you get all freaked out.

Admittedly, I was a little worried. ;-) But I gave some thought to what C said and decided to try some positive thinking. Kind of like affirmations said out loud - for both C's benefit as well as my own.

ME: Oh, no. I am confident that you love me and that I'm worthy of being loved.

(Yes, I was sensing that part of my jealousy was worry that I wasn't good enough for her).

C (smiling, as she held in her laugh): uh-huh

ME: And I want you to be happy. If you want to have sex with someone else and that will make you happy, then I'm happy for you.

C (with doubt seeping from her voice): You're just saying that because you want polyamory for yourself. I don't buy it.

ME: No. I'm serious. If you want to leave me for someone else because they're a better partner for you, then I'd be happy for you, because I love you and think you deserve the best. Of course, again, I am confident that I am the best partner for you, but if you didn't think so... If you found someone who'd spend less time on the computer, I suppose I'd understand. [grinning knowingly]

C: That's kind of scary.

ME: Is it? That's how I want to love you. But really, I am just examining my jealousy and trying to overcome it. How am I doing?

C: Well, what about how competitive you get? Like when girls hit on me, you worry that it's because I'm cuter than you.

ME: Well, you are cuter than me.

C: Nuh-uhn. You're just oblivious.

ME: No. You are cuter than me. But I'm down with that. I can accept having a trophy wife, especially because this one also has brains.

I winked at her, as she smiled tolerantly.

Comments:
There is a sneaky element of reverse psychology in planting the seeds of doubt in C's mind, SK8RN. The moment she begins to fantasize about being sexual with someone else, she'll remember that conversation; how selfless and gracious you are - and how tolerant and compassionate. She won't want to betray you, and may be wont to even broach the subject of fooling around with someone else for fear of deeply hurting you - which your psychology suggests would be true. I like that tactic. Not to suggest that you were being a schemer, quite the contrary - subconsciously protecting your own interests perhaps...
(grain of salt please)
 
wow -- all I was going to say was "it's weird growing up, isn't it?"

but now I feel like I should add something more deep.
hmmm ....

.. nope. nothing.
 
Hey look, my ego! she's stroked!

I have to go with Chameleo with the whole reverse psy comment. You sneaky bean, you.

I tend to belive that jealousy is simply the culmination of how we feel about ourselves in the relationship. If we're unsure of how much our lover loves, desires, admires, cherishes us then we tend to take on rather feral attitudes when anyone steps onto our 'turf'.

I don't think it's 'wrong' to be jealous, but it does make things uncomfortable in the long run.
 
Reading this in the context of your childhood memories makes for nicely blended writing. It all fits together.
 
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