Monday, May 02, 2005
Breath of Fresh Air
C and I ran into V at the dog park - V being our "very cute and hip neighbor girl."
C was telling this story about how one of the dogs at the animal shelter had bit her that day. That's the first time she's ever been bit, so it was kind of a dramatic event.
After she finished the story, I exclaimed in alarm, "I hope the dog didn't have rabies."
V responded, "Yeah, isn't that contagious between people, too?"
C reassured me that the dog had been vaccinated, but I responded nonetheless, "Well, just don't bite me!"
V laughed, "Hmmm... well, that's not what I heard." [In my mind, this innuendo related directly back to V's proposition to have a three-some with us, so she could explore kinkier sex than she and S engage in.]
I caught the innuendo belatedly, however, and tried to recover, "Oh, yeah... wait... can I take that back?"
C looked over and saw that both V and I were staring shyly at the ground and C started cracking up, highly amused by the entire interaction.
Just for some background as to why I enjoy retelling tales of flirtation so much...
I used to be a bit of a pig in relationships. Well, some women and even some men would argue that "bit" is an understatement. I've been known to have up to as many as 6 affairs while in a serious relationship. And these were not one-night-stands, but were pretty much all full-on affairs.
In retrospect, I do believe that I am naturally polyamorous and that monogamy - for most people, in fact - goes against human nature (which I argued at the time). I mean, think about how many people have affairs. And the lying and the deception is so much worse than anything else about it.
But back to me... I now realize I was practicing a very immoral and unethical brand of polyamory in my youth. I have learned a lot from "The Ethical Slut," though I strongly believe that book is just a starting point and so much more in terms of an "instruction manual" needs to be available.
Despite my philosophical beliefs, however, I am married to a "naturally" monogamous woman. In the process of discovering and accepting my polyamorous self, I have gone through many stages:
1. Fearing I didn't have the will-power to avoid having an affair, I didn't flirt with anyone and bottled up most of my sexual energy for years.
2. I exploded from all of the pent up sexual energy and had an on-line affair, which came close to moving into a real-world affair.
3. C and I spent a fortune on couple's therapy to recover from that affair, during which I eventually felt able to adequately express my preference for polyamory.
4. The final result, after having been heard respectfully by C about my preferences (despite how terrified she was at times - this woman is really quite amazing - I've got to hand it to her - seriously) and after listening respectfully to her preference for monogamy, I realized a number of things.
a) C's definition of monogamy was not as confining as I'd been assuming it was.
b) I love C and not wanting to lose her, I could live (at least for the time being) in a monogamous relationship, as defined in slightly looser terms than I'd previously been defining it.
So any flirting - especially mutual flirting (which initially seemed way too dangerous to engage in) is like a breath of fresh air after years of repression. And especially to have C not only tolerant of it - but even amused by it! I am one damn lucky woman.
C was telling this story about how one of the dogs at the animal shelter had bit her that day. That's the first time she's ever been bit, so it was kind of a dramatic event.
After she finished the story, I exclaimed in alarm, "I hope the dog didn't have rabies."
V responded, "Yeah, isn't that contagious between people, too?"
C reassured me that the dog had been vaccinated, but I responded nonetheless, "Well, just don't bite me!"
V laughed, "Hmmm... well, that's not what I heard." [In my mind, this innuendo related directly back to V's proposition to have a three-some with us, so she could explore kinkier sex than she and S engage in.]
I caught the innuendo belatedly, however, and tried to recover, "Oh, yeah... wait... can I take that back?"
C looked over and saw that both V and I were staring shyly at the ground and C started cracking up, highly amused by the entire interaction.
Just for some background as to why I enjoy retelling tales of flirtation so much...
I used to be a bit of a pig in relationships. Well, some women and even some men would argue that "bit" is an understatement. I've been known to have up to as many as 6 affairs while in a serious relationship. And these were not one-night-stands, but were pretty much all full-on affairs.
In retrospect, I do believe that I am naturally polyamorous and that monogamy - for most people, in fact - goes against human nature (which I argued at the time). I mean, think about how many people have affairs. And the lying and the deception is so much worse than anything else about it.
But back to me... I now realize I was practicing a very immoral and unethical brand of polyamory in my youth. I have learned a lot from "The Ethical Slut," though I strongly believe that book is just a starting point and so much more in terms of an "instruction manual" needs to be available.
Despite my philosophical beliefs, however, I am married to a "naturally" monogamous woman. In the process of discovering and accepting my polyamorous self, I have gone through many stages:
1. Fearing I didn't have the will-power to avoid having an affair, I didn't flirt with anyone and bottled up most of my sexual energy for years.
2. I exploded from all of the pent up sexual energy and had an on-line affair, which came close to moving into a real-world affair.
3. C and I spent a fortune on couple's therapy to recover from that affair, during which I eventually felt able to adequately express my preference for polyamory.
4. The final result, after having been heard respectfully by C about my preferences (despite how terrified she was at times - this woman is really quite amazing - I've got to hand it to her - seriously) and after listening respectfully to her preference for monogamy, I realized a number of things.
a) C's definition of monogamy was not as confining as I'd been assuming it was.
b) I love C and not wanting to lose her, I could live (at least for the time being) in a monogamous relationship, as defined in slightly looser terms than I'd previously been defining it.
So any flirting - especially mutual flirting (which initially seemed way too dangerous to engage in) is like a breath of fresh air after years of repression. And especially to have C not only tolerant of it - but even amused by it! I am one damn lucky woman.
Comments:
I'm having bit of a moral problem, babe. I'm flirting my ass off and not feeling the least bit guilty because I know I'm not gonna break the mono-ship I'm in... but damn but the flirting is fun...my moral problem is this... I know I'm a flirt and I'm so not sorry about it, but if D flirts then I'm up in arms and ready to rip faces off.
I'm not being fair and I know I should stop because what's good for the goose...blah blah blah... les grande sigh.
I'm not being fair and I know I should stop because what's good for the goose...blah blah blah... les grande sigh.
oh, ive got to read the ethical slut. ive heard so much about it lately, and well, my behavior surely reflects it!
The reality is that only spoiled brats are unable to be satisfied in a monogomous relationship.
You must be too physically attractive. It's a bit of a curse for sure. Some very attractive people avoid it, but many, if not most can't. Thus they go through life never knowing a truly satisfying relationship, always chafing at the "restrictions" of it.
Pity is an appropriate response. But so is contempt. Because you people cause a lot of wreckage.
mr strauss
pop goes lethal
You must be too physically attractive. It's a bit of a curse for sure. Some very attractive people avoid it, but many, if not most can't. Thus they go through life never knowing a truly satisfying relationship, always chafing at the "restrictions" of it.
Pity is an appropriate response. But so is contempt. Because you people cause a lot of wreckage.
mr strauss
pop goes lethal
we sure had the same idea on these posts! what's sad is that when my wife read my post, i expected my flirting to get me into trouble. it didn't. and now, of course, i'm angry that she wasn't concerned or jealous ;)
FRA-yeah, jealousy is definitely hard to overcome. I'm terribly jealous when folks flirt with C. Mostly I try to realize that it's coming from my own issues, not out of C's disloyalty. Tho ironically, I think I'm more jealous of the attention that she gets than of anything she's doing. I haven't figured the jealousy thing out yet. There's supposedly a lot written on it. If I hear anything inspiring - I'll let ya know. ;-)
Jenny - I miss your roly poly poly blog! :-(
mr strauss - I'm sorry that you feel so negatively about polyamory. Unfortunately, your opinions are not uncommon. I disagree, however. A desire for polyamory has nothing to do with how attractive I am or am not. My relationship with C is amazingly satisfying and it is monogamous. I have caused no wreckage. On the contrary, I think those who state they are committing to monogamy and then have affairs create far more wreckage than I have by having the honesty to tell C who I am and what I am about.
Brando - Ah, yes, the disappointment when they're not jealous. Though doesn't it eventually fade into a feeling of warmth - that she must really trust you and love you a lot - to enjoy your happiness in that encounter?
Kellie - I'd been wondering why people bothered with spam blockers. I guess now I know, eh?
Jenny - I miss your roly poly poly blog! :-(
mr strauss - I'm sorry that you feel so negatively about polyamory. Unfortunately, your opinions are not uncommon. I disagree, however. A desire for polyamory has nothing to do with how attractive I am or am not. My relationship with C is amazingly satisfying and it is monogamous. I have caused no wreckage. On the contrary, I think those who state they are committing to monogamy and then have affairs create far more wreckage than I have by having the honesty to tell C who I am and what I am about.
Brando - Ah, yes, the disappointment when they're not jealous. Though doesn't it eventually fade into a feeling of warmth - that she must really trust you and love you a lot - to enjoy your happiness in that encounter?
Kellie - I'd been wondering why people bothered with spam blockers. I guess now I know, eh?
There is 'flirt' and then there is 'dirt'. Anyone with a junior school education can tell the difference - it's the ones who weren't caught with their hands in the cookie jar that are the loose cannons. Spankings for all of them!
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