Saturday, February 19, 2005
BC Brian - part 3
In part 1, I got an email from an ex-lover from high school named Brian and pondered if/how to respond to it.
In the comments section of part 2, I psychoanalyzed my intentions for writing about and to Brian in an effort to make peace with my past.
Here, in part 3, I finally find peace.
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The last time I saw Brian was at a neighborhood festival my senior year of high school. Brian had graduated the year before. I don't know what he was doing at that time - college? working? At the carnival, I was surprised when I saw him chatting it up with some of my old friends.
Brian: Hey, M.
Brian called out to me as I was walking by.
ME: Hi Brian.
I responded politely as I walked past.
Brian: Come on, M. Talk to me.
I turned and smiled, but kept on walking.
Brian: Come on, M. We're both more mature now, aren't we?
By this time, my life had already shifted dramatically. Brian seemed more like a ghost of a character from a novel that I'd read than an actual figure from my personal past. I was now dating my first girlfriend, Anna. The drama of dating a woman had a traumatic effect on my family; partly as a result of that, I was no longer living at home. I'd spent the second half of my junior year living with a friend and her family and now the second half of my senior year living in my own apartment with a group of five roommates. Brian didn't fit into my new world's view. I barely had the emotional capacity to handle the present changes in my personal life and certainly didn't have extra emotional energy to try to resolve the past with Brian.
I suppose a part of me regrets that I didn't hear Brian out that night at the carnival. I still have no romantic or even sexual attachment to him. But perhaps a part of me wants to say, "I'm sorry." As an adult, looking back, I can accept blame for likely hurting his feelings. And I want to forgive him for the hurt I felt at times throughout the two to three years of our affair.
But any correspondence will be a way of saying "goodbye," not "hello again."
Goodbye, Brian. I wish you well.
In the comments section of part 2, I psychoanalyzed my intentions for writing about and to Brian in an effort to make peace with my past.
Here, in part 3, I finally find peace.
---------------------------------------------
The last time I saw Brian was at a neighborhood festival my senior year of high school. Brian had graduated the year before. I don't know what he was doing at that time - college? working? At the carnival, I was surprised when I saw him chatting it up with some of my old friends.
Brian: Hey, M.
Brian called out to me as I was walking by.
ME: Hi Brian.
I responded politely as I walked past.
Brian: Come on, M. Talk to me.
I turned and smiled, but kept on walking.
Brian: Come on, M. We're both more mature now, aren't we?
By this time, my life had already shifted dramatically. Brian seemed more like a ghost of a character from a novel that I'd read than an actual figure from my personal past. I was now dating my first girlfriend, Anna. The drama of dating a woman had a traumatic effect on my family; partly as a result of that, I was no longer living at home. I'd spent the second half of my junior year living with a friend and her family and now the second half of my senior year living in my own apartment with a group of five roommates. Brian didn't fit into my new world's view. I barely had the emotional capacity to handle the present changes in my personal life and certainly didn't have extra emotional energy to try to resolve the past with Brian.
I suppose a part of me regrets that I didn't hear Brian out that night at the carnival. I still have no romantic or even sexual attachment to him. But perhaps a part of me wants to say, "I'm sorry." As an adult, looking back, I can accept blame for likely hurting his feelings. And I want to forgive him for the hurt I felt at times throughout the two to three years of our affair.
But any correspondence will be a way of saying "goodbye," not "hello again."
Goodbye, Brian. I wish you well.
Comments:
I like this "Brian" thread....I look forward to the next installment. He has been an important figure in your life.
Oh, pooey, JennyNYC. Old lovers like that are not nearly as "important figures" in one's life as dear bestest friends such as you!
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